his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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