he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
