Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
