Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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