I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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