Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
