Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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