i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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