Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
