I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
