She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize