I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
