Welp...herpes.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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