so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You ruined the universe
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
