I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
