well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
