Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
