Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
