She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
