I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize