Umm I'm too high to move.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
