Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
