he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
