I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
