If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
