I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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