nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
