laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize