I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
