This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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