I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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