I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
