How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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