There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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