I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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