I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I could make wine with my vomit
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
