My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
As shirtless as possible
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
