sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
