What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
