i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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