So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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