Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
