absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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