You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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