I wish my penis had an off switch
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
FUCK WHALES
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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