come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize