It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize