You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
