I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
