Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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