I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
