Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
