i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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