I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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