Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
