If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
