If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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