Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
