did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
