you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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